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Good Business: Selling the Public

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Have you ever heard the term “public airwaves”? Me neither! But as you know, I hate anything with the word “public” in it…

Apparently, the public owns the air above the country—including the air broadcasters like Fox send their signals through. (Incidentally, cable runs through our streets, which are also public.)

In some countries, they worry about propaganda and don’t sell the right to broadcast to the public to just anyone, but in America we sell our public to the highest bidder, foreign or domestic (Fox is Australian). Once again, America is the smart one.

Orrin Hatchery

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In what he surely believes is a preemptive counterstrike, Orrin Hatch has proactively accused the Democrats of throwing Romney’s Mormonism at him.

My question to Orrin is, why shouldn’t they!? With a polygamist in the White House we’d have multiple First Ladies! Besides, we’ve been throwing the Muslim thing at Obama pretty hard, and that seems to work…

Wait a minute! Are you saying we can play the religion card, but they can’t? Because they’re Muslim, right!? Brilliant!!!

I Have This. I Really Have This…

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No one’s going to stop me from driving the bus! I’m preparing for the debates, y’know, boning up on bus industry lingo.

Have you heard of BRT? Bus Rapid Transit? These train-like bus systems are wildly successful in the socialist capitals of the world, like Boston, Los Angeles, Las Vegas… No doubt my Democratic opponent will love BRT. So, I’ll say BRT is a boondoggle, and that the true Republican way to improve bus service is to eliminate bus service! Brilliant!!! The best part is, by keeping transportation funds out of the economy, Republicans can keep things worse until the November elections!

I have this. I really have this. Can’t wait to drive the bus…

Santorum: Blackhawk Down

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Today, Rick Santorum pays a visit to the San Ramon Valley of California for a little campaign fundraiser. I ask you: Who in California doesn’t want more Santorum?

The valley includes the towns of Diablo (that means Devil in Spanish; a town that went to Hell recently when they allowed Jews to join the club) Alamo, Danville, and San Ramon. But the valley’s crown and glory is Blackhawk. According to Wikipedia… The community is mostly upper class caucasians who enjoy the company of other upper class caucasians exclusively. The community also enjoys a low crime rate due to the high percentage of boring. If that didn’t capture it for you, here’s a song about Blackhawk from the punk group Rancid. Fittingly, for fans of Santorum, it’s called…


Come on baby won’t you show me what you got
I want your salvation

There’s a neighborhood called Blackhawk
where all the rich people hide
I was down on my luck working for the Salvation Army
The shelter is where I reside
Every day we drive into Blackhawk
and we pick up the offerings—
microwave… refrigerator for the suffering

What a great tune—and a sad cry for help. If only Rancid had heard the Gospel of Prosperity they wouldn’t be working for the Salvation Army!

I bet after this fundraiser, he’ll head straight to a poor community and get them enraged on behalf of the people of Blackhawk. Well played, Santorum…well played…

Stick it in Reverse with Women!

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When it comes to driving the bus, we know the R in Republican stands for “reverse.” Now, the R also stands for Refusing to Reauthorize—in this case, the Violence Against Women Act. In celebration of their bravery, I bring you…

Stick it In Reverse with Women: Top 10 Reasons for Republican Repression of Women 

  1. The Declaration of Independence says all MEN are created equal—not WOMEN. Women couldn’t even vote then! Those were the days…
  2. Hilary Clinton? FEMINAZI
  3. MAYBE a woman can be Vice President — but only if she’s really good looking. (Note to Rs: Change Constitution so VP is like a booth babe at a car show).
  4. Assuming America is a dog with worms, according to this Republican, the problem is that the worms can vote.
  5. Women should have no RIGHTS … and all responsibilities.
  6. This country went to Hell when it established Mother’s Day, but lucky for us the holiday didn’t include the Women’s UN Security Council that Julia Ward Howe envisioned. We must be vigilant—it could still happen!
  7. Women should be like canaries in the coal mine of society: honored to collapse—giving us our first clue that our health is in danger.
  8. Hooters, anyone? I may be a vulture, but I love those owls…
  9. Since women make babies, they control our destiny. Ergo we must control theirs.
  10. To recap: Women exist for one a reason—for men to stick it to (literally, figuratively, and legally). Birth control is THEIR problem. Just like child support and early childhood education.