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I’m In It to Win It

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Gosh, I’ve been so busy drawing up plans for a coast-to-coast antebellum cotton plantation lately, I completely forgot to officially announce my candidacy for Bus Driver!

Well, here it is!

After you read it, you should fully understand my vision for the country.

Birdbrain, Big Screen

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In the proud tradition of Republican actor-governors Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger, I’m taking a turn on the big screen!

Wait til they get a load of me…

(BTW, I didn’t get “final cut,” so not sure what direction Origen & Golan will take it, but while shooting my scenes I looked really good on the monitor. So here’s hoping for the best.)

The Choice is Clear

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Obama wants to go FORWARD. Yep, the exact opposite direction this country needs to go…

When I was a Young Republican, the only gear that worked in my car was REVERSE. That’s when I learned how well I could get around in R! (It probably helped to have the neck of a vulture, so I could keep looking out the back window.)

With years of backwards driving experience, I’m ready to take this country where it needs to go — BACKWARD!

31 Republican Heroes

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I remember the good old days when a guy like me could swoop down on unsuspecting females without Johnny Law getting involved.

Unfortunately, the Senate just voted to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act. There were 31 “NO!!!” votes — all of them from Republican men. That’s right, because only Republicans realize that women must be stopped! It’s us or them…

So let’s tip our hats to these brave 31 Republican heroes. Somebody’s gotta stop the advance…

Project 1/19

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Hey people, I promise to make this country great again — just like it was on 1/19/2009. I’m calling it the 1/19 Project!

Yeah, maybe the economy was in freefall on 1/19 (but there’s a “free” is in freefall, so it must’ve been good). Forget that millions of Americans were losing their jobs EVERY MONTH on 1/19.

What’s important to remember is that Barrack Obama was not driving the bus on 1/19. That’s why everything was awesome then, and that’s why I’m going to take us back there, to the halcyon days of 1/19.

Let’s face it, Obama’s policies have failed… Stopping at bus stops. Opening doors. Letting MORE people on the bus?! It’s time people became self-sufficient! As bus driver, I promise to drive the bus—and never stop.

I Should Be the Bus Driver Because…

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Haven’t you people caught on yet?

I want to be the bus driver because I am SUPPOSED TO BE the bus driver. That is the ESSENCE of my philosophy.

I should be the bus driver because… I am rich and handsome!

I should be the bus driver because… I should be the bus driver. Follow me?

NOW LET ME DRIVE THE BUS!!!

Work Harder, People

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So many socialist liberal whiners out there. You gotta be SELF-SUFFICIENT people! You shouldn’t even be riding a bus!

Here’s my cure for what ails you…

  • Wages not keeping up with inflation?

WORK HARDER!

  • Can’t get by on one income?

You and your wife WORK HARDER!

  • Still can’t get by?

Get some credit cards and WORK HARDER!

  • Job outsourced to China?

Start a business and WORK HARDER!

  • Business crushed by multinational corporation?

Get a job at said corporation making less and WORK HARDER!

Just WORK HARDER!

  • Can’t afford to help your kids go to college?

Take out a home equity loan and WORK HARDER!

  • Lose your house after paying the mortgage for years?

Rent an apartment and WORK HARDER!

  • Can’t afford to retire?

Put off retiring until you’re 70 and WORK HARDER!

  • Finally retire, but can’t get by on Social Security (assuming it still exists, and if I have my way it won’t)?

Get a job that pays you under-the-table and WORK HARDER!

You see how SIMPLE life is? All you have to do is work hard, and if that doesn’t work… WORK HARDER! There is no other way.

You’re Lazy

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Liberals send me lots of numbers lately. I guess they think I’ll be persuaded by reality. Hey, my mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with the facts!

Here’s what I think. American-style capitalism works for everyone except those who are LAZY!

Lazy.

They’re all lazy.

I’ve covered this — 155 million people are LAZY!!!

So… 99.9% of people are lazy?! Your point?

What Does Freedom Mean?

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It occurs to me that some unfortunate liberal souls might not know what Republicans mean when we say the word FREEDOM. To wit…

WHAT FREEDOM REALLY MEANS (TO A REPUBLICAN)

I might have left something out, but you get the idea… FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!