Well, here it is!

After you read it, you should fully understand my vision for the country.

Wait til they get a load of me…

(BTW, I didn’t get “final cut,” so not sure what direction Origen & Golan will take it, but while shooting my scenes I looked really good on the monitor. So here’s hoping for the best.)

When I was a Young Republican, the only gear that worked in my car was REVERSE. That’s when I learned how well I could get around in R! (It probably helped to have the neck of a vulture, so I could keep looking out the back window.)

With years of backwards driving experience, I’m ready to take this country where it needs to go — BACKWARD!

Unfortunately, the Senate just voted to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act. There were 31 “NO!!!” votes — all of them from Republican men. That’s right, because only Republicans realize that women must be stopped! It’s us or them…

So let’s tip our hats to these brave 31 Republican heroes. Somebody’s gotta stop the advance…

Yeah, maybe the economy was in freefall on 1/19 (but there’s a “free” is in freefall, so it must’ve been good). Forget that millions of Americans were losing their jobs EVERY MONTH on 1/19.

What’s important to remember is that Barrack Obama was not driving the bus on 1/19. That’s why everything was awesome then, and that’s why I’m going to take us back there, to the halcyon days of 1/19.

Let’s face it, Obama’s policies have failed… Stopping at bus stops. Opening doors. Letting MORE people on the bus?! It’s time people became self-sufficient! As bus driver, I promise to drive the bus—and never stop.

I want to be the bus driver because I am SUPPOSED TO BE the bus driver. That is the ESSENCE of my philosophy.

I should be the bus driver because… I am rich and handsome!

I should be the bus driver because… I should be the bus driver. Follow me?

NOW LET ME DRIVE THE BUS!!!

Here’s my cure for what ails you…

• Wages not keeping up with inflation?

WORK HARDER!

• Can’t get by on one income?

You and your wife WORK HARDER!

• Still can’t get by?

Get some credit cards and WORK HARDER!

• Job outsourced to China?

Start a business and WORK HARDER!

• Business crushed by multinational corporation?

Get a job at said corporation making less and WORK HARDER!

• Despite having health insurance, one medical setback bankrupts you?

Just WORK HARDER!

• Can’t afford to help your kids go to college?

Take out a home equity loan and WORK HARDER!

• Lose your house after paying the mortgage for years?

Rent an apartment and WORK HARDER!

• Can’t afford to retire?

Put off retiring until you’re 70 and WORK HARDER!

• Finally retire, but can’t get by on Social Security (assuming it still exists, and if I have my way it won’t)?

Get a job that pays you under-the-table and WORK HARDER!

You see how SIMPLE life is? All you have to do is work hard, and if that doesn’t work… WORK HARDER! There is no other way.

Here’s what I think. American-style capitalism works for everyone except those who are LAZY!

• 60% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck. Why?

Lazy.

• 50 million people are without health insurance. Why?

They’re all lazy.

• The bottom 155 million Americans have less combined wealth than the top 400 richest Americans. Why?

I’ve covered this — 155 million people are LAZY!!!

• The top 1 percent pocketed 93 percent of the economic gains in 2010. 37 percent of the gains went to the top one-tenth of one percent.

So… 99.9% of people are lazy?! Your point?

C’mon dumb-ass white guys! Stone-stick-stupid white dudes — YEAH! We can DO THIS!

And when I say WE, I mean YOU go to the voting booth… and I’LL take it from there.

WHAT FREEDOM REALLY MEANS (TO A REPUBLICAN)

• Freedom to climb the economic ladder, removing rungs as you go to preserve your position at the top.
• Freedom to use slave labor.
• Freedom to not have health care, and freedom from acknowledging that health care is a human right.
• Freedom to headquarter your business in the Caymans.
• Freedom to crush the unions.
• Freedom to shift environmental costs downstream.
• Freedom to loan money at usurious rates worldwide.
• Freedom to take away other people’s freedom.
• Freedom to deny women their rights.
• Freedom to make America a nation for Christians-only — or get out!
• Freedom to deny free lunches to freeloader children.
• Freedom to front-run the market.
• Freedom to shoot other people.